deserving.

it sounded old

“deserve.”

(old-and-tired-and-beaten-to-death).

deserve.

—now: it seemed to him that  he-was-always-saying-or-thinking   that  he-didn’t-deserve-some-bad-luck-or-some-bad-treatment   from others.

(he’d told Guitar that he didn’t-deserve-his-family’s

“dependence,”

“hatred,”

or …

whatever”…….)

that:

he didn’t-even-deserve

to hear:

all the-misery,
and mutual-accusations
his parents unloaded on him.

nor did-he-deserve—

Hagar’s vengeance.

but:

why shouldn’t his parents tell him their personal problems?

if not him,
—then who?

(and if a stranger could try to kill him, surely Hagarwho knew him-and-whom he’d thrown away like a wad of chewing gum after the flavor was gone––she had a right to try to kill him too.)

apparentlyhe though he

“deserved”

only
to be loved(!)

—from a distance, (though)
—and given what he wanted.

and in return
(he would be… what?)
pleasant?
…generous?

maybe all he was really saying was:

“i am not responsible for your pain; share your happiness with me but not your unhappiness.”

 

:: toni morrison

from
song of solomon

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